After years of helping families navigate fractured relationships, Anita* never imagined estrangement would hit so close to home.
That all changed when her adult children cut ties.
Now, drawing on both her professional expertise and personal experience, Anita is helping others facing the same heartbreak.
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“Over the years of being a practising psychotherapist, I noticed there was an increasing number of people who had chosen to either not talk to their parents anymore, or who had children who would not talk to them anymore,” Anita told 7NEWS.com.au.
“I was a bit stunned and worked hard to foster a sense of capacity to deal with whatever the problems were because many people were unable to articulate exactly what was getting in the way.”
At the time, she believed estrangement would never affect her own family.
“I thought, ‘I’m so lucky we’ve got a close relationship with our kids’,” Anita said.
“And we did. I guess I felt untouchable, as far as estrangement was concerned.
“I never thought it would happen to me.”
But everything changed after Anita suffered multiple bereavements in a short space of time.
Looking back, she believes not being readily available for her adult children while dealing with her grief contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
“I don’t really know what happened,” Anita said.
“But suddenly there was increasing dialogue about them having a difficult childhood.”
‘It’s so hard when you love them so deeply’
Anita said she can “truthfully say” there were three years when she and her husband went through a rough patch, with unemployment and mental health playing a part — though they eventually worked through it.
“But we still had meals together, went on holidays,” Anita said.
“We still attended to our children’s needs.”
Over time, however, her children continued sharing snippets about how “awful” their childhood had been — something Anita found deeply upsetting.
“It’s so hard when you love them so deeply, because I couldn’t hear that,” Anita said.
“You would give anything for your children. But you’re still only human, so you will have bad days.
“You will make mistakes.
“But when they are seen as evidence of your lack of love and care for them, that’s devastating.”
Anita was inspired to become a psychotherapist due to her own difficult childhood and the work she did to process that trauma.
“Knowing how hard I worked, I was so desperate for my children not to have that experience,” Anita said.
“So, it’s incredibly shattering.”
A support network for parents
She acknowledged there may have been times her children — now in their 20s and 30s — were hurt by something she said or did.
Still, the relationship continued to deteriorate until communication stopped entirely.
“I was completely blocked,” Anita said.
“No one would answer me, until my eldest told me she was not allowed to communicate with us.
“I was utterly shattered and didn’t know what to do.”
Unable to resolve the situation, Anita began researching estrangement and quickly realised how common it can be.
As she reached out to others online, she also discovered many parents were too afraid to speak publicly.
She added in some cases, particularly where violence is involved, speaking out can also put people at risk by provoking further conflict.
After finding small, private Facebook groups offering support, Anita decided to create her own called Care and Connect For Estranged Parents Aust which is open to anyone seeking help.
Today, the group has grown across Australia, allowing parents to connect online before choosing to meet in person, to help each other through shared experiences.
“They could meet at a cafe with other local parents in a similar situation,” Anita said.
“So they can feel like they’re not so alone.”
The hope of making a difference
Anita now receives thousands of messages from parents seeking advice and support, often having to refer people on to mental health care where needed.
While the demand can be overwhelming, she finds it reassuring.
Anita said it shows many parents have not given up hope and still want to repair their relationships.
She also noted some parents face personal challenges, such as mental health and addiction, that can directly impact their relationships with their children.
“Parents and their children have this biological connection that makes the breakdown of that relationship very different to the breakdown of any other relationship,” Anita said.
While the work can be emotionally and physically draining, Anita said what motivates her is the hope of making a difference — even if not in her own family.
“I would love to see change in my own family, but I think that’s highly unlikely to happen,” Anita said.
“But for me, even if it doesn’t make a difference for the relationship with my own children, if there is a difference I can make to someone else’s life, if there is one adult child who reads some of the posts and it makes a difference, then it’s worth it.”
* Names changed to protect identity
